A collection of engineering jokes, plagiarized from everywhere. Enjoy!
Why did the lathe get a ticket?
Because it was turning too fast!
What did the boring bar say to the chuck?
"I'm just passing through!”
Why don't machinists like to play cards?
Too many cuts and they hate dealing with chips.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer…
A mathematician, physicist, and engineer are all trying to find the volume of a yellow bouncy ball.
The mathematician gets his callipers out and measures the diameter, then evaluates the integral.
The physicist fetches a bowl of water, drops the ball in and measures the displacement.
The engineer strolls up with book in hand, checks for a serial number and looks up the volume in his yellow bouncy ball table.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
Why do civil engineers always tell you they're outstanding in their field?
Because when they're not in their office, they're outstanding in someone else's field!
An optimist says, "The glass is half full." A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty." An engineer says, "The glass is twice as large as necessary.”
Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn't get arrays.
The Constipated Engineer…
Did you hear the one about the constipated engineer? He managed to work it out with a pencil. Turns out it was a natural log.
What’s an electrical engineer’s favourite snack?
Microchips.
Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says, "Oh no, I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you positive?”
A software engineer walks into a bar and orders 1.000000119 root beers. The bartender says, "I'll have to charge you extra; that's a root beer float." The software engineer says, "In that case, better make it a double.”
Why don't programmers like nature?
It has too many bugs.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
What's an electrical engineer's favourite type of music?
Shock and roll!
A uniform beam walks into a bar…
The barman asks, "What would you like, good sir?"
The beam replies "Ummm… just give me a moment."
A vicar, a doctor and an engineer…
A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.
The engineer lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"
The doctor nodded in agreement.
The vicar saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come that group ahead of us are so slow?”
The green keeper replied, "Oh, they’re all blind firemen. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free.”
Everyone was silent for a few seconds.
The vicar finally said, "Oh dear. I’ll be sure to pray for them. Well done on such charitable work good fellow."
The doctor added, "Yes, well done to you. I’ll make sure they get the best treatment at the eye unit in the hospital too."
The engineer, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Ok, but if they’re blind then why can’t they play at night?”
The engineer's wife…
A wife asks her husband, an engineer, "Darling, can you please go to the shop buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!"
Off he goes. Half an hour later the husband returns with 12 pints of milk.
His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"
"Well… they had eggs" he replied.
Why did the lathe get a ticket?
Because it was turning too fast!
What did the boring bar say to the chuck?
"I'm just passing through!”
Why don't machinists like to play cards?
Too many cuts and they hate dealing with chips.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer…
A mathematician, physicist, and engineer are all trying to find the volume of a yellow bouncy ball.
The mathematician gets his callipers out and measures the diameter, then evaluates the integral.
The physicist fetches a bowl of water, drops the ball in and measures the displacement.
The engineer strolls up with book in hand, checks for a serial number and looks up the volume in his yellow bouncy ball table.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
Why do civil engineers always tell you they're outstanding in their field?
Because when they're not in their office, they're outstanding in someone else's field!
An optimist says, "The glass is half full." A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty." An engineer says, "The glass is twice as large as necessary.”
Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn't get arrays.
The Constipated Engineer…
Did you hear the one about the constipated engineer? He managed to work it out with a pencil. Turns out it was a natural log.
What’s an electrical engineer’s favourite snack?
Microchips.
Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says, "Oh no, I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you positive?”
A software engineer walks into a bar and orders 1.000000119 root beers. The bartender says, "I'll have to charge you extra; that's a root beer float." The software engineer says, "In that case, better make it a double.”
Why don't programmers like nature?
It has too many bugs.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
What's an electrical engineer's favourite type of music?
Shock and roll!
A uniform beam walks into a bar…
The barman asks, "What would you like, good sir?"
The beam replies "Ummm… just give me a moment."
A vicar, a doctor and an engineer…
A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.
The engineer lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"
The doctor nodded in agreement.
The vicar saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come that group ahead of us are so slow?”
The green keeper replied, "Oh, they’re all blind firemen. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free.”
Everyone was silent for a few seconds.
The vicar finally said, "Oh dear. I’ll be sure to pray for them. Well done on such charitable work good fellow."
The doctor added, "Yes, well done to you. I’ll make sure they get the best treatment at the eye unit in the hospital too."
The engineer, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Ok, but if they’re blind then why can’t they play at night?”
The engineer's wife…
A wife asks her husband, an engineer, "Darling, can you please go to the shop buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!"
Off he goes. Half an hour later the husband returns with 12 pints of milk.
His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"
"Well… they had eggs" he replied.
